During these evenings I pull it all out, hold nothing back and really tell it like it is, at least life according to Donna which includes the *rules* of the kitchen. So I thought today since there's a number of new ladies cramming in to sit at the table I should write a new post...a goto posting, required reading if you will, for all the newbies to read over and decide if they can handle the heat in the kitchen. Because, ladies, sometimes it gets pretty damn hot!
An Evening of Offense with Donna Freeakin' Reed: THE BLOG POST.
Act 1: Housekeeping? Houskeeping! Knock, knock...
1. Let's get this straight right from the start. This is a dictatorship. I, of course, am your dictator. This is my effin' kitchen that I created to hold onto MY sanity, not yours (though I am happy it helps you keep yours). That make me the Executive Chef and you the prep cook, or salad lady if you really push your luck. If you don't like what is cooking and it's too freakin hot in here, then there's the door. Find your own way out.
2. If you so desire to leave the kitchen at any time for any reason and you feel compelled to tell me off or tell me I suck, or that I am just plain raunchy. Do it. I really don't care one way or the other, but have some class when you do it or I'll just have to kick you in the ass. I am real and I do have feelings.
3. Don't judge me, not Donna, but me, by my cover (the cover of Donna). I'm a whole lot deeper than just some crummy housewife avoiding housework and fantasizing about escape. I'm a pretty smart fucking bitch and I am not one to push. I plan to start a PhD when my son goes to full time school and hopefully be a university professor of US History someday. So don't start an argument with me unless you understand proper scholastic research, logic and debate, and well, because, bitch, I WILL shred you. And then I'll send my entourage after you. There's a lot of smarties in this kitchen. And they bite pretty hard.
4. This should go without saying, but you know. Since we're not judging here, don't judge any of the other bitches in the kitchen either. We are all here for our own reasons and we are ALL fighting a hard battle. So be kind, bitches. Be kind. [insert fist shaking violently in your face here]
5. I reserve the right to delete any comments from either facebook or the blog that I deem necessary without any advance notice. Hello? Dictatorship?
Act 2: General Rules to follow to not get exiled
1. Dumb fuckery as judged by me on facebook will get you deleted. I can't really keep you from coming to my blog, but bitch, I can keep you out of my facebook kitchen. Here are just a few examples of what annoys me the most and will cause for almost instantaneous deletion...
Gratuitous cleavage, thong, and tramp stamp pics unless in jest. I've got some hell of cleavage (38 Gs baby), a thong and a tramp stamp that reads "Beat on the Brat with a Baseball Bat" and RAMONES written around it six inches high and I don't post that shit on Facebook. Really, I don't think you want to see that shit. Go be slutty for the boys. Not in my effin' kitchen. My self esteem is low enough.
Daily pics of your dumb ass in the mirror holding your lame ass phone you narcissistic bitch. You're no hotter than the last slut I deleted. Again, self esteem, yada yada, you need it, I need it, you go find it elsewhere.
Those little red lines are under those words for a reason. Fix it!
Liking your own status. Of course you like it, you fucking wrote it (there few exceptions to this rule, and I've really got to like you to ignore it, gawd it annoys the fuck out of me).
Too much Jesus in your status is also a cause for concern. Jesus is just alright by me, but not in your freakin' status reports everyday all day. If I want to know a piece of scripture I have my own bible, thank you very much. Kinda pushes an atheist over the edge after a while.
Act 3: My Opinions and thoughts are of my own not to be confused with your own opinions and thoughts.
I am very opinionated though I don't often express it much in the kitchen. Pshwa. But just so you all know what you're getting into, let's have a little chat.
I am a fairly conservative libertarian. I rather dislike both Republicans and Democrats and really believe with all my heart that our country really needs a third party to survive, no matter the party. I don't bring politics up often and try to avoid it, but if I am really upset about something you'll hear it from my twitter account before you will on FB.
I am an atheist. I was an agnostic, a fairly devout one in fact, for many a year. Then my son got sick and I lost my job, then myself and here we are in the kitchen. This is what finally made me get off the freakin' fence already. And I am very happy with my decision so please leave it at that. I believe in karma and that there really are no coincidences only fractals. Now, just because I'm not down with the lord, doesn't mean that it bothers me one bit if you are...we all need something in life. I've got my kitchen, you've got your god. Lalala So happy together...
I don't tolerate ignorance, stupidity or bigotry well. I have a low tolerance for morons, and am quick to lose my temper. Man I have one hell of a temper (not exactly my best trait). I am known to blow once the IQ begins to drop with every word.
And lastly my humor isn't for all. I don't expect you to find funny what I may find funny. I have boundaries, as do you, and if they are crossed, well, we've already shown you the door.
I also suggest reading through some of the top postings and older ones also to get a feel for me and see if you really belong in this kitchen.
**these rules are subject to change with absolutely no notice at any damn ass time I feel like it, so pay the fuck attention***
WELCOME TO THE KITCHEN, PEACHES!
I really am happy to have you all here. I started this blog to help me hold on to what sanity I had and not kill my husband before grad school, and now I love it because not only do I now I am not alone here stuck in my kitchen, but I know many of you are also. I hope I help you hold on as much as you help me hold on.
Uber big Kisses,
Donna Freakin' Reed
Keepin' it real and in print since 2010
xooxoxoxo
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