I have been to Hell, and it is in the grocery store

I once enjoyed planning out dinners, making a list, cutting coupons, wandering down the aisles as if I didn't have a care in the world and all with my sweet precious adorable little boy. Oh, he's so ceewwwwtt the old ladies would say and pinch his little cheeks. I would hear people say to the person next to them, 'Oh, what a darling little boy,' as we strolled by with me smiling proudly and checking my list.


Yes, there was a time when shopping was almost, almost theraputic--a nice break to normal routine, some time out of the house and a little retail therapy to boot. At one point I really had this shopping thing down. I was planning meals out for the month, making one big trip for basics and meats, and a few little ones for produce. Yes. We had dinner almost every evening without stress and without fail. That is until someone stole my baby.

You heard me. Stole him. Abducted.

Took him and replaced him with a very angry and little foreign exchange student.

I'm betting it was aliens. It's always the fucking aliens, right? Well, then those effin' aliens can do the grocery shopping because I am out. Done. Fuck this shit.

Grocery shopping has suddenly become a living hell for me. It try to prevent it by going right after nap time, bringing along favorite toys, a sippy cup, and snacks. But ladies, it is never freakin' enough for this kid.

From the moment we walk in it begins. It starts with a small demand, which quickly turns into a giant screaming repeating demand. BUS, BUS, BUS, BUS, BUS...H hold on a minute, Mama needs to look at this...BUS! BUS! BUS! BUS! BUS! WAAAA! WAAA! BUS! BUS! Honestly. Fuck you back to school time and your frickin' school bus displays.

All the way through the store it's 'hungy, mama, hungy, nom, nom, hungy.' The when I throw something in the cart he really wants its 'cheese, cheese, chesse, CHEESE.' By the time we make it out of the store and into the car he is screaming at the top of his lungs 'CHEESE," not that he wasn't already doing that the whole time in line as he threw things to the floor as I tried to get them on the conveyor belt. Then, then, when we finally make it to the car, and all the staring has stopped (what's the matter, you've never seen a two year old before, moron?) and I get him strapped in, he demands snacks. And once he gets something he immediately wants more, which results in MORE, MORE, MORE all the way home from the store.

Shopping, which used to be enjoyabe, has now turned into living hell. It is a race to get in the cart quick enough without him either ripping it open, throwing it on the floor or biting into it (such as he does with packs of hot dogs, bacon, and today sugar snap peas). And the more full the cart becomes, the worse the behavior becomes because he can reach everything. There is no more carefully checking my list over to make sure I didn't forget any vital ingredients. Now it's a crap shoot as to how organized I made the list because if I am past that aisle there is no way in hell I'm going back for the cans of french onion soup the I need for the roast. Fuck it. Too late now. The roast will just be boring and bland. Suffer.

Shopping now results in a hodge podge of items that don't always come together well to make the dinners I am planning. I fuck up more often than not lately and I do think I just may quit. I get the milk delivered, why not the fucking groceries. I could do it all online...doesn't that sound divine? At least until the little shit understands a little logic, consequences, and ass kicking, but we all know I don't have the cash supply for that. Until then, I do think the family can damn near starve, because I am not, I repeat not taking that devil back to the store with me alone. Again.

Well, why don't you leave him with your husband, you may ask. Bahahahaa! Hahahaha!, Omg, hold on, let me get up... First of all he is sleeping, and second of all it would be just as much of an argument to get him to watch him when I would want him to...now if it is his choice it's a whole other story, but if I want to go now, it's just not going to happen. Sigh. I used to shop late at night before my husband worked 3rd shift, but now I am stuck with this kid almost every moment of everyday. That means all errands are ran with this monkey on my back.

I complained tonight to my husband of the hell it can be just to put food in his belly. 'Huh?' he said, 'he doesn't do that for me when we're in the store, shopping is just fine.' That's because, you freakin' mother fucking jackass, you have only grocery shopped ALONE with him ONCE in the past 2 1/2 years. ONCE!!!! I'm sure if I did the math, your odds may be just the same as mine.

He often makes it seem that I exagerate, but I know better. There are plenty of you that would likely agree with me that the terrible twos are just that TERRIBLE! Ack. Fucking, eh, right. He wouldn't survive 48 hours, let alone 24 hours alone with this kid. One of these days I'm going to test that theory...

As for the shopping, I suspect that the shopping will be easy again someday, until then it's freakin' ramen for everyone (because that is just about all I managed to throw in the cart!).


Cheers,

Donna "fuck this shopping bullshit" Freakin' Reed



xoxox